Part 1 Chapter 5

Well, he didn’t make it to Razumikhin’s. 

So, as is his custom apparently, he freaks out a little about “that” thing he’s been planning (attacking/killing Alyona) and seems really haunted by it, even though he hasn’t done it yet. He doesn’t even want to go home because it’s where all his evil plots have hatched. 

Taverns are still a given evil – he has a glass of vodka (which sounds like a lot but the narrator is like “only one glass!”) and some pie and falls asleep in a park.

Then he has this really vivid, detailed, horrible dream about seeing a horse tortured to death when he was a kid. He was really shaken by the cruelty and gore and is weeping in the dream. His father keeps saying the torturers are just drunk, and the horse abuser keeps justifying it by saying over and over how the horse is his “goods” and he can do what he wants with it. (Capitalism critique?) When he wakes up it feels like he’s finally free from the horrible plan to kill Alyona. He’s so happy and relieved to remember at heart he hates violence and cruelty….

BUT SOON (those fateful words we keep reading) he heads home by some long way and just so happens to hear Alyona’s sister make an appointment for the next day so he knows just when she will be home alone.

The freedom was quick and intoxicating (in a good way not like every drinking person in this book) but it’s gone. 

I’m wondering why just as he prayed and felt freedom, someone or something makes him take that long way home so he will overhear the sister. I liked the passage where the narrator says years down the road he will be “struck to superstition” about how he had no choice. It reminds me of how we look back on things and notice small choices with huge consequences — he feels trapped and pre-determined about this bad choice he’s going to make, but that’s later that he’s saying so, and isn’t that how it works after the fact? (We always say we had no choice, or that we wouldn’t change a thing.) 

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